CONTRACT EMPLOYEE EXPOSES NUCLEAR SECRETS TO IRAN

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – Hot on the heels of rouge contractor Edward Snowden revealing the US Government’s secret data gathering on American citizens, another employee of defense contractor, Booz Allen has just announced that he has done the same.   Goober Billy Scrubbs announced that he released sensitive information regarding US Nuclear installations, plans and codes “to let the American people know just what their government was up to,” he said.  “As y’all know, all of this being a hero stuff can be dangerous, so I released the information where the tyrannical American government cannot lock me up, and that would be where I am now, Teheran, Iran.”

When questioned about Scrubbs, Wilma Johnston, a spokesperson for Booz Allen said, “he had only worked for us for about a week , so there was no way we could have known he would do something like this, which is against our company policy, which is posted right there in the lunch room area.”

Scrubbs, a middle school dropout, who claimed he made $30,000 a year (Booz Allen says it was more like $12,000), who the company had granted top security clearance said at his Iranian press conference, “there just ain’t enough whistleblowers who are willing to tell the American people just what their government is hiding from them, and besides my boss at Booz yelled at me a lot and then I found out I was making less than my cousin, Jimmie Lee Beans does, at the Walmart in Hazard, Kentucky, you know, down there on the Daniel Boone Parkway.”

House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Cal), said he is outraged and will convene a House investigation of just why President Obama forced Booz Allen to hire Scrubbs and to find out if this newest leak is related to the scandal in Benghazi, the IRS targeting Tea Party groups or is part of Obama’s birth certificate cover-up.  “If the President and the government just allowed the private sector, in this case Booz Allen to do their job without job killing regulation and oversight, this never would have happened,” Issa said.

In a related story, another major government contractor, Newman-Chardine, said that it had met its first quarter earnings by selling banking and investment account passwords it had extracted from millions of Americans pursuant to a no-bid government contract that was part of US Government activity under the Patriot Act.  “While I can’t say whether selling this information to Mexican drug cartels and certain interests in Nigeria actually broke the law,” said Clawton Frenworth, Newman-Chardine CEO, “I can guarantee you two things - I will be getting my bonus this year, and the worst that can happen to Newman-Chardine is that we could get a $100 fine.”

CONGRESS INCREASES ITS SALARY AND BONUSES TO INSPIRE YOUNG AMERICANS TO RUN FOR OFFICE

by R J Shulman

WASHINGTON – (PTSD News Service) – In its first piece of bipartisan legislation in over four years, the United States Congress has voted to raise their own salaries by 85%, increase their pension by 71%, eliminate all co-pays for their health care plan and add a generous package of perks, long vacations, free massages and endless get out of jail free cards.

“With these new positive benefits, we want to inspire the youth of today to want to serve their country by getting themselves elected to the House or the Senate,” said House Speaker John Boehner, “I’d like to go into more detail, but my new vacation starts now.”

“I finally found something that I could really stand up for,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid D-Nev, “And it was quite refreshing not to face a filibuster.”  In fact the bill had little resistance in either chamber.  The bill, called the American Youth Inspiration Act received broad support from both Republicans and Democrats.

Not all agreed it was a good idea.  Bernie Sanders I-VT strongly objected saying, “It is unfair, in fact quite outrageous for Congress to grant itself the very benefits it has been taking away or denying to ordinary American workers.”  Sanders comment was greeted angrily by Senator John McCain, R-Ariz who said, “will somebody get this communist to shut up?”   Senator John Cornyn R-Tex then asked, “is Vermont really a state?”  Mary Landrieu D-Lou echoed Cornyn’s comment by inquiring, “why should a stop on the Monopoly board get a senator?”  Senator Rob Portman R-Ohio said, “Vermont, Shermont.  There are still more people on line this very moment at a precinct in a poor neighborhood of Cleveland waiting to cast their vote for Obama in the 2012 election than there are people in the entire state of Vermont.”

President Obama has threatened to sign the bill when it gets to his desk.  “If you think Congress has been unwilling to work with me for the past four years, you ain’t seen nothing yet in the uncooperative department if I were to veto their raises,” the president explained.  

MICHELE BACHMANN DISCOVERS HER HUSBAND IS GAY, ANNOUNCES HER RETIREMENT FROM CONGRESS

by R J Shulman

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – (PTSD News Service) – Michele Bachmann announced today that she will not seek a fifth term in the US House of representatives because she says she wants to spend more time with her family.  “To turn my family straight, to be more specific,” she said in her announcement this morning on You Tube.  “After watching Beyond the Candelabra on the TV and seeing how the liberal media has turned Michael Douglas and Matt Damon gay, I realized they acted just like my Marcus, who I now know is gay, gay, gay.  And to think of all of the money and effort I put into trying to look sexy.”

Bachmann said that she will need all the time at home to pray away the gay.  “I will slap away the gay, I will scratch away the gay, and I will, dare I say it, suck away the gay, until I am able to save my husband from eternal damnation,” she said.  Bachmann said she will start her get-the-gay-out-campaign by throwing out her husband’s Cher CD collection and his dozens of Judy Garland Masks.  When asked if he was upset that his wife had just “outed” him on national social media, Marcus said, “that closet was getting too crowed anyway with all of my gowns crammed in there.”

“This project that I am undertaking to change my husband,” Bachmann said, “is going to be even more of a challenge than all of my efforts to turn Obama into an American.”

ALEX JONES:  OBAMA DIRECTS IRS TO TARGET CONSERVATIVE GROUPS WITH DEADLY DRONES

by R J Shulman

AUSTIN, Texas – (PTSD News Service) – Radio host Alex Jones has reported that he has irrefutable proof President Obama has changed his directive to the IRS – instead of targeting conservative groups with audits, target them with deadly drones.  “Obama has already admitted killing four Americans with these drones,” Jones said, “The question is not only how many more Americans has he killed, but how many Americans he plans to kill with these monstrous missiles.”

“Obama’s ridiculously transparent speech about his war on terror,” Jones told his radio audience, “was clearly made to try and distract the news cycle away from all of his scandals, such as Benghazi-gate, AP-gate, IRS-gate, Umbrella-gate, Arugula-gate and you name it-gate.  The real story is that Obama has moved control of the drones from the CIA to the IRS, who already has a working list of conservative groups they were targeting.”

Jones claimed he infiltrated the White House and video-taped a secret basement meeting at which Obama told his recently appointed IRS Director Danny Warfel, “I am sick of all these MF Tea Parties on my presidency.  I want you to drone out the MF Tea Parties before they can lift another MF teacup to their MF white-ass lips.” 

Jones concluded by saying, “if you thought the IRS estate tax was really a death tax, just wait.  The IRS’ new drone attacks will show you the real meaning of a death tax.”

GOP: WASHINGTON BRIDGE COLLAPSE CAUSED BY OBAMACARE

by R J Shulman

MOUNT VERNON, Washington – (PTSD News Service) – House Republicans will make yet another attempt to repeal Obamacare, their 38^th try, and this time because as House Speaker John Boehner said, “it is clear that Obamacare’s doctor rationing caused the driver of the truck that hit and knocked down that bridge in Washington to be medically unfit to drive. The Skagit River bridge is just the first of such bridges that will tumble into America’s waterways all across this great country if we do not immediately stop Obamacare.”

“The Democrat Party will try to blame the bridge collapse on some imagined infrastructure problem because they just love to find fault with America,” said Joe Wilson R-SC, “then they will politicize the falling bridge to further their big government tax and spend agenda by using the liberal media to hoodwink America into wasting tax payer money on bridges, hospitals, schools and other equally shameful and useless socialist projects.”

“Simply put, Obamacare is most socialistically communist Al Qaeda bill ever signed into law by an American president born in Kenya,” said Michele Bachmann, R-Minn, “and is a direct assault on Jesus, firearms and the freedom of Americans to look down on others who were born inferior to them.”

“If only Ronald Reagan was alive today,” lamented Mike Pompeo, R- Kans, “he would be saying, ‘Mr. Obama, tear down that Obamacare wall.’”

The Washington bridge collapse is just the latest event the GOP has blamed on the Affordable Health Care Act.  They have also said that Obama’s health care reform was responsible for killing the elderly and unborn, crashing the economy, creating severe weather patterns, forcing some states to believe they had no choice by to approve same sex marriage, killing Dale Earnhardt, tempting Eve with an apple in the Garden of Eden and is, without doubt, the reason why so many older white American men are suffering with erectile dysfunction.   

FOX NEWS SNAFU: WE ACTUALLY GOT A FACT RIGHT

by R J Shulman

NEW YORK – (PTSD News Service) – In a scandal that has rocked Fox News to its very foundation, Fox New President Roger Ailes has announced the firing of two top network executives, Matt Shrike, Senior Vice President of News and Scott Hardwick, Chief Fox Fact Checker.  “If these two staff members had done their job correctly,” Ailes said, “this terrible mistake would not have gone out over the air.”

Ailes is, of course referring to the report by Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly that there have been more jobs created under the Obama Administration in the last four years than under the last four years of the Bush Administration.  Hardwick apologized, saying, “I sincerely hope that America, and Jesus Christ can find it in their hearts to forgive my error that made Obama look good at something.”  Shrike, who wrote the story, blamed the mistake on his dyslexia for transposing Bush and Obama in the story, saying, “I pray that Dog Almighty can forgive me.”

Kelly has also apologized for announcing the story on the air.  “I just read what is on the Teleprompter,” she said.  “I now know just how Ron Burgundy felt in the movie Anchorman when he said “Fudge you, San Diego, only it wasn’t fudge he said as you know.  I guess you could say it was my fudge moment and I am so, so very sorry.”

Fox has issued an apology on air every hour on the hour for the last three days for the error.  However, the network says that it is still getting hundreds of calls from distraught viewers, many of whom have been directed to contact local suicide hotlines. “We have been able to calm most of the callers down,” Ailes said.

“When I heard that Fox News chick say something that Obama did better than W, I almost dropped a load and I don’t mean the one offen my pick-up truck,” said Clayton Brimlett of Sunbury, Pennsylvania.  “How can we be safe now when the Al Queda Communists have infiltrated the only non-liberal news source we have left in America,” said Jimmy Bob Sturgis of Bunkerville, Wyoming. “I had been wondering why Fox News has suddenly stopped demanding to see Obama’s birth certificate.  Now I know why.” 

“When I heard them lies about Dub-ya and the Muslim,” said Richard Swineschmitt of Ardmore, Alabama, “I shot my TV. You never know when you need the Second Amendment to protect you from enemy infiltration,” he said.  Mary Lynn Porge, of Terre Haute, Indiana was not so lucky.  “Aunt Mary Lynn had the news on, Fox of course,” said Harriett Hogerton, “Then I hear that Megyn Kelly who has such nice hair on the Fox News, say that Obama was better at jobs than George W was. The next thing you know, auntie turns white as a sheet at a KKK social welfare gathering and then keeled over, face first on the shag carpeting.  She hung on for two days at Terre Haute Regional Hospital, before Jesus called her home.”

Ailes vowed that “Fox will never let a fact favoring a Democrat, liberal, socialist or communist out over the air again.  We have instituted a new zero tolerance policy that anyone caught even thinking a good thought about a liberal will be banished from Fox for life.  It’s just that kind of subversive thinking that can give fair and balanced a bad name.”

TEA PARTY VOWS TO VOTE OUT ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TEA PARTIES SHOULDN’T BE CONSIDERED TAX EXEMPT SOCIAL WELFARE ORGANIZATIONS

by R J Shulman

LYNCHBURG, Virginia – (PTSD News Service) – In the aftermath of the News that he IRS had targeted organizations with the name Tea Party and Patriot for review of their applications for tax exempt status as 501c4 social welfare organizations, the Tea Party is fighting back. “The government had tread on the wrong ‘me,’” said Wayne Fergus of the Lynchburg Constitutional Tea Party of Virginia, “it’s preposterous for the IRS to think that we are a political group, when it is clear that we are here for social welfare as required by the tax laws. We are here for the social welfare of real Americans by making sure that every last liberal and Democrat and Republican who acts like a liberal and Democrat are defeated at the polls.”

“When the founding fathers thought of social welfare, it wasn’t about those queens having babies every five minutes on the taxpayers dime,” said Murphy Pickel, who is running for Virginia House of Representative on the Tea Party ticket, “social welfare is about getting sensible Americans who hate and fear the government elected to government.”

The Lynchburg Tea Party is not alone in fighting back against the IRS who they say have unfairly targeted them. Anti-government political rallies are scheduled all over the country by various Tea Parties to protest the IRS thinking that they are organizations that hold political rallies.

“We will use any political means necessary to prove we are not a political organization,” said Andrew Clangborn who has organized several Tea Party groups in central Indiana.

“Can’t they read?” said Swinton Hogg, a Tea Party leader from Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. “This here sign I’m holding says “Tea Party, which everybody knows stands for Taxed Enough Now. So why would they want to tax us when they should be taxing socialists, like the ACLU, the NAACP.”

The IRS agreed, and has apologized for targeting the Tea Party and other right wing organizations and will return to seeking audits from groups like the ACLU the NAACP, which did not cause anyone at the IRS to have to resign.